A Change Factor

The mother of the great student who is procrastinating on his college applications, says with disdain in her voice that he’ll just have to go to state college if he doesn’t get a move on.

Oh, and that’s what, punishment?

Maybe, just maybe, a state school is just what that boy needs. Maybe he can relax a little, have a little more fun, because that’s really what he wants. He’s only 17. But his mother is creating undue family stress and warning the kid of the dire consequences that are state schools.

Pu-lease!

Poor woman, she’s stuck in that awful abyss, the whole reason for this blog. Oh yes, state schools just don’t have the glitz of the selective private schools, I know that. Of course, I was all over those private, mostly selective, and expensive colleges last year at this time. But, the culture has got to change.

Here’s the newest change factor, possibly the best that’s come along in say, oh, 22 years.

It’s the economy.

This near economic depression we are experiencing might be the final blow to this need for the middle class to send their children to the “right schools.”

Maybe more families who are watching their retirements disappear with the stock market decline, will opt out of this crazy making college acceptance culture and see their children, who will be no less brilliant than they were before, head off to their state universities and colleges.

And perhaps those colleges that continue to be out of reach unless they can provide grants and scholarships from large endowments will be held more accountable for their horrendous tuitions.
A candidate for public office was asked what he will do to help middle class families with the cost of colleges. He said, the government can only do so much, but it’s about time for colleges to do their part to stop the tuition increases. He suggested we ask more accountability of colleges, as in “just why is the cost so high?”

I liked that response. It seemed honest to me, even if it isn’t going to help me, yet.
Meanwhile, unless a school is willing to provide substantial merit scholarships, (no I’m not talking those measly little $5,000 gifts) families should opt out.

State schools are not a consequence, and they just might be the perfect fit for your kid.

Chatter

In the parking lot the other day I overheard two serious women discussing where their children were considering going to college. With great intensity, they discussed a daughter’s desire to go to Northwestern University and a son’s desire to go to Stanford. They talked SAT scores and merit scholarships. They talked A.P. courses and sports and extracurriculars.

I had stopped momentarily to speak with them, but when it was clear their conversation was stalled on their brilliant children, and truly, it was, I bid them good-bye and left. I couldn’t even begin to offer up any points of view.

As I got into the car I recognized in my reaction a renewed disdain for that college chatter, and felt more than happy to have this year off.

But while I don’t have to engage in any of the college search stress this year, I see it all around me.

One mother is so concerned about her 3.9 G.P.A. football playing son not getting into the college of his choice that she is brought to near tears in describing her worry. Another mom cornered me one day to tell me that she’s worried her son doesn’t seem to be motivated to get started with the search process. “He’s a great student,” she tells me, “but if he doesn’t get going on his apps, he’s not going to get into a good college.”

I get it. But these hovering mamas need to get a life.

Meanwhile I hear from parents about how their children are faring, just two months into their new college experience. Some are having a wee-old time, experiencing not only stimulating classes, but the fun that comes with being free of parental constraints. Who knows how their classes are going; they’re adjusting and trying it out.

Some however, are not having quite that amount of fun. They are up too late working on papers that don’t seem to be able to garner the A’s they were used to in high school. They study and then study some more and find the best grade on a Chem test is a B minus. They forgo the campus fun; the dorm parties, the trips into town, even the campus fall party. Calls home are worrisome; one father worries his daughter won’t be able to continue at that rather selective college he was so proud she got into.

Well, we hear about this stage at the parent orientation. It comes in mid October we’re told. It’s when the proverbial shit hits the fan.

How the student reacts to it, how she copes and gets through it will be telling.

We want so much for our smart kids: get into that hard to get into college, compete and learn with the brightest, show how smart you are, and by the way, make sure you have fun, because after all, college is a time to have fun.

Some of us are kind of crazy like that.

So we need to step back, back down, retreat, whatever, and let the kids figure it out. It’s our turn to be cool and pretend we’ve kept a safe distance. It’s our turn to look at those two chattering women in the parking lot, mothers of the brilliant high school kids, shake our heads, and walk away.