Chatter

In the parking lot the other day I overheard two serious women discussing where their children were considering going to college. With great intensity, they discussed a daughter’s desire to go to Northwestern University and a son’s desire to go to Stanford. They talked SAT scores and merit scholarships. They talked A.P. courses and sports and extracurriculars.

I had stopped momentarily to speak with them, but when it was clear their conversation was stalled on their brilliant children, and truly, it was, I bid them good-bye and left. I couldn’t even begin to offer up any points of view.

As I got into the car I recognized in my reaction a renewed disdain for that college chatter, and felt more than happy to have this year off.

But while I don’t have to engage in any of the college search stress this year, I see it all around me.

One mother is so concerned about her 3.9 G.P.A. football playing son not getting into the college of his choice that she is brought to near tears in describing her worry. Another mom cornered me one day to tell me that she’s worried her son doesn’t seem to be motivated to get started with the search process. “He’s a great student,” she tells me, “but if he doesn’t get going on his apps, he’s not going to get into a good college.”

I get it. But these hovering mamas need to get a life.

Meanwhile I hear from parents about how their children are faring, just two months into their new college experience. Some are having a wee-old time, experiencing not only stimulating classes, but the fun that comes with being free of parental constraints. Who knows how their classes are going; they’re adjusting and trying it out.

Some however, are not having quite that amount of fun. They are up too late working on papers that don’t seem to be able to garner the A’s they were used to in high school. They study and then study some more and find the best grade on a Chem test is a B minus. They forgo the campus fun; the dorm parties, the trips into town, even the campus fall party. Calls home are worrisome; one father worries his daughter won’t be able to continue at that rather selective college he was so proud she got into.

Well, we hear about this stage at the parent orientation. It comes in mid October we’re told. It’s when the proverbial shit hits the fan.

How the student reacts to it, how she copes and gets through it will be telling.

We want so much for our smart kids: get into that hard to get into college, compete and learn with the brightest, show how smart you are, and by the way, make sure you have fun, because after all, college is a time to have fun.

Some of us are kind of crazy like that.

So we need to step back, back down, retreat, whatever, and let the kids figure it out. It’s our turn to be cool and pretend we’ve kept a safe distance. It’s our turn to look at those two chattering women in the parking lot, mothers of the brilliant high school kids, shake our heads, and walk away.